Crossroads
August 2021
Part 2 of the Car Ride
“Crossroads” is a continuation of “The Car Ride” series. Initially, I had wanted to write about some of the struggles that I faced after my dad’s passing. Then, I realized, there was another aspect that I could write about; so here goes.
Dad’s passing has changed me alot - I’m not that good with relationships and people in general. Death’s grip has a hold on you in every little way; even after nearly a decade after my dad’s passing, I find myself struggling from time to time.
I became acutely self-aware/self-conscious of my feelings and past (and yes, it limits my mindset and self-belief). Though at the same time, I have also become really sensitive to other people’s emotions, akin to almost having a sixth sense. Although I can empathize and sense the vibes/energies, I could often find myself trying to “numb” those feelings. Why? Because I am scared of dredging up emotions again which I took very long to put behind me.
Over the several years, I came to learn: numbness is suppressing feelings into a box.
Numbness isn’t feeling nothing, it’s feeling everything, and never having learned to process anything at all. Numbness is not nothing, neutral is nothing. Numbness is everything at once.
I’m connecting with myself again. COVID-19 & Lockdown allowed time and space for building that deep connection with myself and getting back onto my two feet again through a process of self-discovery, self-love, new hobbies, and enjoying the little things in life.
Crossroads - The Journey After
I’ve been on a journey the past decade, meeting different people along the way.
You will come across good people who will show up as they can and for as long as they can. But eventually, they have to go a separate way (because they move on because of a stage in their life, work, different priorities). And I want to let you that is perfectly okay. It took me a while, but I came to realize and accept that.
There will be others you meet, because “fate” has brought you together on this same path and to this exact intersection. You look at the other passenger, and know he/she has been on a weary journey and offer some directions/stories, and then you part ways.
Then there is a special group of people who stay with you in your journey all the way, even if you had been lost for the past decade. I call them my “constants”, no matter what may happen, I know they got my back. (and I will fiercely protect them too). Hold onto to them tightly, hold onto to them for life (pun intended). I am really fortunate to have a few “constants” in my life.
We all come to a crossroad at some point in life. Hoping that we make the best out of whichever way we go.
Dedicating this entry to my dad, I know you’ll be proud.
