The Ache

Jun 2022

What is grief, if not love preserving? Maybe grief stayed with me for so long because of all the unexpressed love I have for my dad.

I don’t know when I first discovered the Ache, but in my university years it became a constant disruptor. I hardened myself and built up high walls to resist the Ache. This year, as I began penning down “This One’s for You Too - I Love You 3000”, the Ache becomes too powerful to resist. Even years of practising shutting out emotions can’t help. I am out of practice, I have let my walls down. I don’t stiffen. I don’t hold my breath. I don’t break eye contact. I unclench and let the Ache take me.

I am in the Ache. I am in the One Big Ache of lovepainbeautytendernesslonginggoodbye and I am here alone, and suddenly I understand that I am here with everyone else, too. Everyone who has ever lived, ever loved and ever lost.

I have entered the place I thought was death, and it has turned out to be life itself. I entered this Ache alone, but inside it I have found everyone. In surrendering to the Ache of loneliness I have discovered un-loneliness.

Right here, inside the Ache, with everyone who has ever welcomed a child or said good-bye to a great love. I am here, with all of them.

The Ache is not a flaw. The Ache is our meeting place. It’s the clubhouse of the brave. All the lovers are there. It is where you go alone to meet the world. The Ache is love. The Ache was never warning me: This ends, so leave. She was saying: This ends, so stay.

What is grief, if not love persevering? If this is all my unexpressed love for a great love, then I pray this never leaves me.